When I look back at the person I was two years ago, I don't recognize her. Sure, she has the same maniacal laugh, the same self-deprecating humor, the same squinty-eyed smile... But she doesn't have joy, at least not really. She is seeking to find someone to be pleased with her, searching for something to offer God that will make a mark on the earth. She just wants more. Of what, she doesn't really know, but perhaps, she thinks, Jesus is the way after all.
The past three months have been the most incredible and difficult months of my life. I have wrestled with God, coming back to the States, adjusting to going back to school when all I really want to do is write music and make art, loving people out of the overflow of my heart like I know is needed, and pressing into the places I haven't been while I rest in the arms of home. It's been interesting.
But He has overtaken my life in a way that I cannot fully explain. I can't tell you the moment it happened, because I think it's been a slow yearning that welled up in me from the day I was born, but the love that I always wanted, the purpose of life that I thought wouldn't ever come to fruition, the joy that I never knew could be tasted on the earth... I have found all of it and everlastingly more... For in Jesus lies all the riches of eternity, and I have been consumed by His power and love. There is no returning to a time when I had no hope, there is no such thing as having no song, for HE is my song and will be forever.
This weekend I feel another shift coming for many hearts in people I have long known are asking for more from God. I pray His song comes and the eyes of people's hearts are opened to see Him and hear the melody that flows from His heart.
I pray you ask so that you may receive from Him.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
047 (Memories)
Sometimes I feel memories are as real as the moment I breathe this breath. They're as vivid as the purple light streaming through my dying window. They're as painful (or as joyful), like the rusty nail I stepped on when I was five.
I used to wish that some memories would be left alone. I didn't want to remember them, and they probably didn't like me much, either. They haunted me. I could not escape them, an endless hunt for a space without them dragging from my ankles like hungry children with big, dark eyes that would never be satiated.
But these days... all I seem to know is light, and love, and a peace that can't stay in my chest. I am home at last, home with the One I love. I am surrounded, encountered by memories every day that I hold in my heart, memories that I will recall for all of eternity. They stay in my heart, and I welcome them, make a place for them to sit. The memories of old pain are gone, somehow, in the light that they bring.
All I can see is the goodness of the days ahead, the richness of those gone by, and the sweetness of the present.
All is well, I think. You are here to stay.
I used to wish that some memories would be left alone. I didn't want to remember them, and they probably didn't like me much, either. They haunted me. I could not escape them, an endless hunt for a space without them dragging from my ankles like hungry children with big, dark eyes that would never be satiated.
But these days... all I seem to know is light, and love, and a peace that can't stay in my chest. I am home at last, home with the One I love. I am surrounded, encountered by memories every day that I hold in my heart, memories that I will recall for all of eternity. They stay in my heart, and I welcome them, make a place for them to sit. The memories of old pain are gone, somehow, in the light that they bring.
All I can see is the goodness of the days ahead, the richness of those gone by, and the sweetness of the present.
All is well, I think. You are here to stay.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
046 (A Prepared Place)
Oh dear, it's been a few days, hasn't it?
And more has happened in the past few days than all the days combined. Isn't that the way it works? Beautiful and tragic all at the same time.
The fabric of the natural is being torn. Think about it as a woman who was pregnant for a long time giving birth. See, for a long time I think she has been pregnant with a promise, one that came from the very mouth of God. She has taken care to eat for two, and now the baby is ready to come out.
The Holy Spirit is birthing a dream of God in the world. Even now it is happening all around you. I don't know if you notice it; I often do not see the Kingdom of Heaven though it knocks me upside the head. But no matter, it is here, even as we speak.
He has prepared a place for us. A place to rest, a place to love, a place to be. It has been a long time coming, but now is the time that we step out into what we do not know, into the realm of Heavenly things.
We were not made for this Earth. We were made for a prepared place.
And more has happened in the past few days than all the days combined. Isn't that the way it works? Beautiful and tragic all at the same time.
The fabric of the natural is being torn. Think about it as a woman who was pregnant for a long time giving birth. See, for a long time I think she has been pregnant with a promise, one that came from the very mouth of God. She has taken care to eat for two, and now the baby is ready to come out.
The Holy Spirit is birthing a dream of God in the world. Even now it is happening all around you. I don't know if you notice it; I often do not see the Kingdom of Heaven though it knocks me upside the head. But no matter, it is here, even as we speak.
He has prepared a place for us. A place to rest, a place to love, a place to be. It has been a long time coming, but now is the time that we step out into what we do not know, into the realm of Heavenly things.
We were not made for this Earth. We were made for a prepared place.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
045 (Emotional Easter)
This has been the best Easter I have ever had.
My family is here, and they are whole. This morning I went to the church I grew up in for the first time in over two years. I sang a song for the offering time, like I had done when I was younger. A lot had changed since the last time I stood up here, staring at the stained glass windows and wondering if God was perhaps bigger than what I knew.
I started to sing "In Christ Alone," and halfway through the first verse, I started to cry and I couldn't finish it. I tried in vain to make the words pass my lips, but all I could see were the eyes of Jesus, shining with life and pleading for the Bride to let Him come closer. He deserves everything for what He has done and who He is. I knew in that moment that a million songs sung to Him would never be enough to pour out enough praise on His feet, would never compare to the love that He pours out on us.
I managed to make it through the song with a few other choked-up moments. I didn't care that it wasn't perfect, people don't come to church to get perfect, they come to church to get raw and real truth. I felt the power of the love of God pour out in the sanctuary and I saw many people with tears streaming down their faces. I knew Holy Spirit was touching them.
My mother and I sat in the car and cried together because I told her Jesus just wanted to be close to us. My father and I were children again, laughing in the service. Joy is in our bones and runs through our blood, it covers our house and permeates the earth around.
The garden is green and all the flowers are blooming, and I feel like my heart is doing the same thing. He has risen, so that I can rise and come out of hibernation, my roots growing deep and my perfume of praise pouring out in the garden of God.
I am overwhelmed by Him. He is the most lovely person in all of eternity, and He is closer to me than my own skin. What a gospel. What a Savior.
My family is here, and they are whole. This morning I went to the church I grew up in for the first time in over two years. I sang a song for the offering time, like I had done when I was younger. A lot had changed since the last time I stood up here, staring at the stained glass windows and wondering if God was perhaps bigger than what I knew.
I started to sing "In Christ Alone," and halfway through the first verse, I started to cry and I couldn't finish it. I tried in vain to make the words pass my lips, but all I could see were the eyes of Jesus, shining with life and pleading for the Bride to let Him come closer. He deserves everything for what He has done and who He is. I knew in that moment that a million songs sung to Him would never be enough to pour out enough praise on His feet, would never compare to the love that He pours out on us.
I managed to make it through the song with a few other choked-up moments. I didn't care that it wasn't perfect, people don't come to church to get perfect, they come to church to get raw and real truth. I felt the power of the love of God pour out in the sanctuary and I saw many people with tears streaming down their faces. I knew Holy Spirit was touching them.
My mother and I sat in the car and cried together because I told her Jesus just wanted to be close to us. My father and I were children again, laughing in the service. Joy is in our bones and runs through our blood, it covers our house and permeates the earth around.
The garden is green and all the flowers are blooming, and I feel like my heart is doing the same thing. He has risen, so that I can rise and come out of hibernation, my roots growing deep and my perfume of praise pouring out in the garden of God.
I am overwhelmed by Him. He is the most lovely person in all of eternity, and He is closer to me than my own skin. What a gospel. What a Savior.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
044 (Black Saturday)
I don't know why today is called that.
I don't feel any flicker of darkness today. I was driving home to Monmouth yesterday and I began thinking about the conversation I had had with my good friend Jay last night. About how God has called us to not be of the world, and instead be of another Kingdom... His Kingdom.
I began to laugh, for no reason other than "joy is better than being sad." Then I cried, because of course, one does not come without the other lately. I felt myself being lifted out of my flesh and felt my feet touch solid ground again, ground that I knew was in heavenly places.
Because of what our Lover and Savior did for us, we now belong to a family that is seated in heavenly places! Nothing on this earth can harm us, nothing can move where we have been planted... By the streams of life.
And there we can grow every day forevermore.
I don't feel any flicker of darkness today. I was driving home to Monmouth yesterday and I began thinking about the conversation I had had with my good friend Jay last night. About how God has called us to not be of the world, and instead be of another Kingdom... His Kingdom.
I began to laugh, for no reason other than "joy is better than being sad." Then I cried, because of course, one does not come without the other lately. I felt myself being lifted out of my flesh and felt my feet touch solid ground again, ground that I knew was in heavenly places.
Because of what our Lover and Savior did for us, we now belong to a family that is seated in heavenly places! Nothing on this earth can harm us, nothing can move where we have been planted... By the streams of life.
And there we can grow every day forevermore.
Friday, April 3, 2015
043 (Powerful)
God sets the lonely into home,
He leads out those with chains
He rearranges us so that we may be whole.
I wish to die to myself, more full,
No fear, only grace.
He makes us powerful, you know,
because He that is in me is greater than he who is in the world.
Sin tells me that I cannot fight,
but that is not the truth.
I am a fighter,
and will always be,
for He who fought
now lives in me
and has made His home here
forevermore.
Sin has no hold on me,
and only freedom has a space to speak.
And powerful is who I am,
and who I'll always be.
He leads out those with chains
He rearranges us so that we may be whole.
I wish to die to myself, more full,
No fear, only grace.
He makes us powerful, you know,
because He that is in me is greater than he who is in the world.
Sin tells me that I cannot fight,
but that is not the truth.
I am a fighter,
and will always be,
for He who fought
now lives in me
and has made His home here
forevermore.
Sin has no hold on me,
and only freedom has a space to speak.
And powerful is who I am,
and who I'll always be.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
042 (Mind You)
I've been thinking a lot about thoughts today...
How most of them aren't our own. We got them from somewhere else. Our parents, our friends, what we heard our pastor say, the book we read last week and the movie we watched today. They subconsciously come out of our hearts, spilling over and obvious for everyone to see. Each thought comes into our head and we catch it, thinking it comes from and belongs to us.
But that is not so.
Everything is trying to invade your mind, for it is the single most valuable piece of property you will ever be in possession of, and by it wars are won and lost.
I want to have the mind of Christ. I want to know what He thinks about me. I want to know how He created me to think my own way about the world, how He made me to see His face and know the truth and become free from the light it brings. I want to think with my own thoughts, the ones that come from the truth, not cheap counterfeit that the world tries to peddle like a beggar, not a patched up version of my old mind.
I want to know what it is to have a renewed mind.
And He says He is always making things new...
How most of them aren't our own. We got them from somewhere else. Our parents, our friends, what we heard our pastor say, the book we read last week and the movie we watched today. They subconsciously come out of our hearts, spilling over and obvious for everyone to see. Each thought comes into our head and we catch it, thinking it comes from and belongs to us.
But that is not so.
Everything is trying to invade your mind, for it is the single most valuable piece of property you will ever be in possession of, and by it wars are won and lost.
I want to have the mind of Christ. I want to know what He thinks about me. I want to know how He created me to think my own way about the world, how He made me to see His face and know the truth and become free from the light it brings. I want to think with my own thoughts, the ones that come from the truth, not cheap counterfeit that the world tries to peddle like a beggar, not a patched up version of my old mind.
I want to know what it is to have a renewed mind.
And He says He is always making things new...
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