030 (Waiting)

Sometimes life can feel like nothing but a big, fat wait.

Waiting for what?

I wait for time to read, and then reading turns into trying to finish a book. I wait for time to walk, and the walk begins to be about what I will do when I get home. I wait for time with my brother, but that time doesn't end up looking like I planned it would, so instead it is a waiting for when I can be alone.

And now, I realize that I wait all my days for the Father to be with me, and when the time comes that He is near, I do not know how to sit and be with Him. I sit down to be with Him, and there's all this stuff I start thinking about. The hard shell that has grown around me is slowly dissolving, but I will not wait long enough for it to break so that He can make me in love again. I feel guilty when I realize there's stuff in the way, I blame myself for not connecting as I should, I get up, and I go to bed.

But wait, He says. I love you so... I want to be with you. That is all. I am not afraid of what you hold inside, dear one. I just want to dwell with you. I promise, if you wait for Me, I will come as you have asked. I will come and shake down the boxes you have built in your mind, stones that have blocked your heart. Behold, I stand at the door, but if you do not stop and wait, you will never hear my gentle knocking.

For all the doctrine that I know, there is nothing like when He comes to me and sits with me and tells me of His heart. I don't care what it takes, I don't care if it costs me sleep, or food, or all the time in eternity, or my life.


He is worth the wait.